• StevenF

Missing Our Moms

So every day I get one of those "On This Day" notifications from my cloud service about various photos I have stored that were taken on a particular day.

It's sometimes fun to look back on memories, but sometimes it's painful or bittersweet, too. Even photos of Trooper from just a year ago make me both happy and sad. I miss that girl so much.

Yesterday, however, this photo from 11 years ago came up:

This is my mom with my younger sister's first child. This seems so long ago to me, and yet it also feels like so little time has passed since this photo was taken.

The photo was taken a little less than two and a half years before Mom passed away. Mom had dementia, although when this photo was taken, it wasn't as bad as it would become. She was definitely suffering short-term memory loss, some long-term memory loss, and seemed to get confused at times. She had been diagnosed with dementia at this point, but she was still independent and was still driving, although a few months later, her license had to be taken away.

This photo was taken in her home, the house I grew up in. In 2013, Mom had to move to an assisted living facility because she could no longer care for herself. It was a very sad time for all of us.

When she first moved in, she wanted so badly to go home, although she couldn't remember where home even was. Eventually, she forgot about her house and grew to see the assisted living facility as her home, which was both a relief and sad at the same time.

But seeing this photo yesterday filled me with sadness because I miss my mom so much, and this photo also reminded me of who she was before dementia struck her and who she became because of it.

Later yesterday while Isaias and I were shopping, I heard Niall Horan's song, "This Town," which, for reasons I won't get into here, reminds me of a time when I was in particularly deep grief regarding my mom's passing.

So it was a reflective day and one that made me particularly sad that Mom is no longer here in the flesh, although I often feel her presence, including yesterday.

It was a tough day for Isaias as well. May has been a particularly hard month for him. Two years ago, May is when his Mom caught COVID and eventually passed from it. One year ago, May was the month our sweet little Jasper came into our life and passed away five months later. So this has been a bit of a melancholy month for Isaias these past two years.

Plus, he's having aftereffects from his bout with COVID. He has been unusually fatigued and everything tastes salty to him now, both of which have been noted as symptoms of long COVID. He also has a lingering cough.

Isaias misses his mom terribly. He was very close to his mom and talked with her nearly every day. I went through my own grief with my mom, who was one of my best friends, so I know how deep that kind of grief feels. I sometimes wondered if the pain I felt after she died would subside.

But it is hard to see my husband still struggle so much with the sadness and loss caused by his mother's passing.

I think it is especially hard because of the way she died and because we never had the capability to visit her in the hospital. There was a real lack of closure that accompanied her death. Her funeral was not at all the way we would have hoped it would be due to all the COVID restrictions.

And with all the other deaths these past two years—one of Isaias' closest friends; Jasper; Trooper—there just has been a lot of sorrow. Isaias cries a lot. The loss of his mother especially has left a gaping wound in his heart that I fear will never be completely healed. It's changed him.

Of course, there have been good times and laughter, too, of late. Isaias has poured a lot of his sorrow into helping cats in need, and that gives him purpose. And adding Franki to our family has brought us a lot of joy. Isaias' job keeps him busy.

But both he and I were mamas' boys. And we miss them so much.

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