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Epic Fail

I probably shouldn't share this, but I'm going to.


I feel like I failed my husband today.


I didn't mean to nor did he make me feel like I did.


But nonetheless, I feel like I did.


He had told me a few days ago he would be taking today off. I thought it was because he needed a break. He's been called into work early a lot lately and working a lot of hours. There have been some work-related stresses, and he's still been very tired since he contracted COVID.


So I thought he just needed a day off.


Last night, he indicated he was sad I would be working today and insinuated I could maybe call out and spend the day with him. But I had the mindset of not wanting to inconvenience my fellow co-workers or getting written up.


Isaias said I shouldn't worry about getting written up since I rarely ever call out and am probably one of the more dependable workers at my job.


But I didn't feel comfortable calling out.


Then this morning, I realized.


Today is the two-year anniversary of Nena's passing.


I felt terrible.


Why hadn't I remembered? Why hadn't I been more sensitive and aware? Why hadn't I seen this obvious day coming up and asked for it off when I had a chance?


Isaias is so good at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, special events, planning ahead for them.


I'm not.


A birthday or anniversary will sneak up on me, and suddenly, I will realize, "Oh, my gosh! I need to get a gift or make a call or do something special!"


Isaias will hear the mere mention of something somebody wants, and he will get it months in advance and surprise that person with it on their special day.


He is so sensitive to others' needs and is there for them when he needs them.


I am so oblivious sometimes. My brain is so compartmentalized. I feel like I can only fit one thought in my head at a time at the expense of remembering really important and vital stuff?


Why did I miss this?


-sigh-


Isaias has been in such deep grief since his mom died. How could I miss this most important day?


When I realized my mistake, I asked Isaias if we would be doing anything special to commemorate his mom's passing? I said I could call out if he wanted me to.


He said, no, he would do what he was going to do and said not to call out.


But now I'm kicking myself because I feel like I should have called out anyway. I should have ignored his telling me not to call out and done it anyway and spent the day with him as he likely wanted me to.


But I didn't.


I had run an errand this morning, and when I got home, Isaias was gone. I don't know what his plans were, and I feel bad because I should have been with him on what I know is an especially tough day for him.


Instead, I'm here at work feeling like I really messed up but that it's too late to make up for it. How can I?


Ugh.


I wish I could have a do-over. I wish I had realized today was coming up so much earlier than I did. I wish I were a better husband than I feel like I am today.


I just feel like I let him down when it mattered most.


Again, not his baggage. Totally mine.


-sigh-


We miss and love you so much, Nena.




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